Cinderella Man

I didn't want my blog to be only about this. But it has centered around it anyway, I guess because I have the time to type out my thoughts when school is out but when school is out I am here. And of course being here means that the parents are always bringing it up. I think I look fine thanks, I love my body I really do and talked with God about this morning even, I know I messed up before.

I focused on what I thought I could control because I could not control anything else. Brandy says thats typical and she also doesn't think that I was ever anorexic I was obsessive compulsive. I fixated obsessively on running and meticulously controlling my food intake because it was they only thing I could control. She said that I try to make things "perfect" but that there really is no perfect and that channeling my desire to be perfect at something is an idea that i have to give up. We are working on that.

Leaving graphic really was the best decision I have ever made. Shannon can see the difference she just said one day that she was glad i moved in because I am so darn cheery and supportive, she confessed that last semester made her think I might super stressed and high strung but that she supposes that I just really was ill-suited for graphic design. That made happy and more positive that this was right more than ever (not that I ever doubt it I knew it was I just knew it) And of course my best friends can see the difference, and I don't mean the weight gain, I mean they see that I am happy, content, less stressed... blah blah blah etc.

Why can't they see that? I just wish mom would stop trying to convince me that I am anorexic ever time I am here.

I hate being here.

This morning randomly they started talking about "this time next year". It was because I said something about missing the Highlands as they were getting ready to go to church (back story real quick: I do not care for their church. I don't go now and I used to go to another whenever I could) and Dad responds with "well this time next year you'll have to get over it and start going with it us cause you won't be in Auburn anymore."

*bang

Wow it really stung. Not that I am leaving Auburn so much, but that I really might might be stuck here after I graduate. I mean I know that there will be a transition period but I really don't know how long that time will be. I might just die if its longer than a few months.

We started arguing. I told them that when I try to talk about grad school or internships or a job somewhere they get all defensive, shut down and all I get is blank stares- they just think that its not realistic but I really don't know why.

Dad and mom said that those options don't pay enough for me to live on, to pay rent and utilities and like always I know that. My part-time won't pay rent and most internships don't even pay at all and the ones that do really aren't enough either. I know that, I try to talk to them about it but they are deaf to me.

If they would listen to me I would tell them that I know it will be hard being on my own and that I will need a second job, maybe a third.

But they want me to just come back and get a job here. I've been gone for five years now and they think this is no big deal. They don't see that leaving Auburn will hurt. I mean I want to leave duh I don't want my life to be there either, but I have to a plan to keep from being stuck here with them.

And why do they fight me on this, don't they want me to leave? Don't they want better for me for me? For me to finally have my own life? And I can't understand why they don't see that they'll be better off once they're not supporting me?

I told them that I don't want their help anymore, I am not asking for it after I graduate, I want to be independent from them.

Mom said thats not realistic and that they want to help.

But that is a twisted and sick lie.

What they want is to keep a leash on me. They don't want me to do to them what they did to their parents and thats leave them to sit and wait for death in their empty house without anyone. Well sorry retirement should be fun. Why don't you stop trying to buy my imprisonment and start saving your money for all these fantastic road trips and vacations you're always talking about going on. I didn't ask for your help and you shouldn't expect me to spend my life taking care of you foregoing what I want.

slim chance

Sometimes I see this girl on campus. But no one else sees her.

She avoids looking at people, her head is always down and she stares at the ground.

She clutches her books close to her and tries to take up as little space as possible and move through the crowds of people as fast as her legs will carry her.

And no one sees her.

I notice her though. I think its because she does not want to be noticed no one else even looks over at her, she is invisible to all of them but to me ... I don't know I feel like I can sense her some how

No matter where I am or what I am doing I almost immediately see her

across the room at the end of the hall leaving the bathroom sitting in the library walking past the transit reading a book

why does this matter why do I see her and have such a surge of emotion ripe through me every time I see her

it's because I know what she sees when she looks at herself

And I want to tell her its not true and all the cliche crap that goes with statements like that that she's probably heard before.

I want to tell her that she's loved and beautiful and that she's hurting herself and that theres no need to be invisible anymore and to stop fighting with her thoughts and her body...

because she will lose.

it is none of my business. I can't just walk up to her while she is staring at herself in the bathroom mirror (putting her brittle hair in a ponytail to hide the areas where you can see her scalp) and tell her that I deal with it too. That I know it too this feeling of being so detached from your body like someone put you in the wrong one. I want to talk to her about it so she'll know at least that I care that I am concerned. That I don't want her to fade away into

nothing

Sometimes I randomly think about her and I wonder about her family and her friends.

I wonder what she tells them how she justifies this to them. How she hides her boney hands, her thinning hair and explains away the sunken cheeks and constant fatigue.

I had a dream about her.

I don't even know her name and I had a dream about her.

I just want to tell her that

that

that I want to be her dear friend.

That I just want to take her with me to see Brandy and that we can do this together.

I want to tell her that I don't just want her to do this with me, that I, I feel like I need her to do this with me.

I tell myself that the next time I see her I am gonna introduce myself.

Next I am just walk right up to her and start talking like I normally do to new people.

I'll say something super nice about her outfit or how she does her make up as she tries to conceal her tiny frame behind books that look way to heavy for her to hold. I'll say you look familiar did we have a class together? did we go to the same high school? where are you from? I have an hour to kill lets get some coffee or tea or something

(coffee and tea will be on her safe foods lists)

she'll say sure and then I don't know it'll go on from there... maybe

but I never do. I don't even try. I know the possibility of her accepting my friendship is slim at best. but shouldn't I at least try? no matter how awkward it might be? Theres nothing wrong with just introducing myself...

next time... I really hope that I try to, I never do, but I really hope I do, my heart just aches for her so much

I don't want her to feel that way anymore.

hear me out

I get to type a lot now.

A lot of my schoolwork involves responding to questions about the documentaries we've watch on Blackboard or essays for article readings or memos and research for business writing. These classes, especially the Lit class with all of the documentaries, have really helped to channel my intuition and open me up to the knowledge, opinions and suffering and success of People. We relate to each other through the search of some “universal truth” which is some goal, idea or pursuit unique to all. And while the treasure and that journey to find it may lead us all to different conclusions, it is the desire to find it and the action of seeking it is shared by all. No matter how different we are, we all crave that and we all seek to fill our incompleteness by finding it. And the more I type, the more I read and discuss and the more respond and react, the more I am convinced everyday that I am on my correct path. That this is right.

Sometimes yes I do doubt. My mom and my dad and even my dear Pop question my career choice. They think there is no future in this.

I disagree, I know it feels right, I know I was lead to this decision by my God, I know that I did the right thing.

I wish they would not make me question myself, or rather what I feel the Lord has given me.

I do like that they make doubt Him, and that I sometimes have to pray and ask again "Was this right?" But every time there is doubt, questions or even a barrier, He proves again that there IS a plan for me that He conceived. When I pray for guidance I am rewarded with peace and patience. This is a waiting game. I know I do not have to know the answer now, I am here on His time and He will reveal to me the specifics eventually. Right now the weight of His assurance is truly all I need. This is new for me, I do like to have a plan and a foreseeable conclusion, but I trust Him.

Every time I look for opportunities to pursue a career or hunt for a grad school I find it. I find intern ships, paid ones that cover travel, I find new museums that are hiring, I find many colleges with financial aid and all I have to do is take the GRE and do the best I possibly can.

And I will, I am so scared of that stupid test, so scared, but I can do my best.

But, really if my best is not enough that really is ok. There are institutes I can fall back on where I can be employed and then just work my up through the ranks. I do not have to go to grad school, I just want to, all can do pray about it and wait.

I do know that I have passion, and that WILL count for something. This is right, not easy, but right and I do not need them to make me feel like it was wrong when I need their support.

They are disappointed I get that. I mean saying, "my daughter is a graphic designer" really does sound much more impressive than saying "My daughter is an Art Historian" again I know, I get it.

I also understand that they are worried, their concerns are valid I also understand them myself. Finding work could be hard and grad school will be on me and paying off those loans will be on me. I am very much aware of all of this, but what I do not understand is why they think it is productive to patronize me over and over again with these problems. They also focus on predicting nothing but the worst of situations without considering the possibility of God in this equation. They forget that I am finally following His plan for my life and that sure I do not know for certain where this may lead me but I am so confident that He is guiding me there now that I am listening

pitter-patter

ummmm... the rain

It is the sound of cleaning- like the process of removing the old

it's like renewal and music

tentative

Ok

so I can count on you for

one thing

and that seems to be music.

it's so little but it makes me so

happy

that we can still be

WE

because of the music

I dare to hold on to you

Good Glory

I still don't what to think or how to respond when people make comments about my body. Sometimes it's positive, and that's nice I like that they say that even though I often struggle to believe it myself. Sometimes I try really hard to make mental notes of good things people say, and remember who says those things so I can channel that so I can battle this idea of some unattainable ideal manufactured by exposure to over-photoshopped sexualized media. I know they are not real and I know that women- that people- are meant to come in all different shapes and sizes and that what's healthy for one person may not be healthy for another. I KNOW THAT.

It's just hard to un-see what you've been watching your whole life so you can start to see what you've missed. What's REAL

Sometimes people say not positive things. They're not trying to be mean, not intentionally but they'll say things like

OMG Sharon you're so skinny

You got tiny-er

you weigh like 90 pounds (123 and gaining thanks)

you're like a stick

You have like no fat I'm so jealous

what do you do? I need to lose some weight (that's my favorite right there)

blah blah blah... etc

I never know how to respond, what the heck am I supposed to say? Do they think I'll just gain like 5lbs right before their eyes or something? Maybe I'm still missing something, last I checked, when I was calm and being REAL in that mind set, I thought I liked the way I looked.

BTW the REAL mindset I keep talking about goes like this:

I close my eyes and I pray to God. I tell Him that I am sooo thankful for this functioning body He gave me to do His work and biding. I ask Him to bless it and to guide me on how to take care of it so I can keep doing His Will with while it's in my care. Then I ask that He help to SEE how wonderful this body is just the way He made it and that it doesn't need any improvements so long as I am taking care of it like He wants me too. Then I open my eyes and I can see it just the way He made it and I feel like it's beautiful. I believe it

But it fades as the day goes on, that feeling doesn't ever stay and I have to remind myself. Loving this body is still new I suppose.

And hearing those things makes me anxious. It's makes those feelings of being disconnected from my body emerge again. It's hard to describe it but if you've felt it then you know exactly what I'm talking about. It feels like it's not mine, like I used to when I was chunkier. I don't think thats how I felt last year when I was stressed out with graphic design, running was just something I could do. I could focus on it and channel it.

But now that I feel like I can't know how my body responds to things and hearing people say those things and then being told by the parents that I don't look like I've gained any weight and the fear of them not letting me go back to school in the Spring if I don't weigh some stupid number by Christmas it just makes this body feel like it's not mine anymore I mean everyone else seems to know more about it than I do.

(Don't worry though, I'm doing fine I'm not running like I was, I'm not stressed about school-well Italian is tough but thats a whole other story- and like I said when I focus on the REAL mindset I like what I see. And I see the changes even if they don't.)

I just don't want to feel like a stranger in this body like I used too, that had gone away but I have started to feel like that again here and there ever since this all started and I don't want that.

This is my body, actually its God's body. That's right its God's earthly vessel for my soul until it's time for Him to take me home. What I need to focus on is how He made me and how I look just the way He wanted me too. I need to think in terms of taking care of His body and keeping it able and strong so I can do His work while I'm here. I have to practice I guess, like practice keeping that REAL mindset all the time. Then I won't take what people say- good or bad- to heart. It won't matter because in the end this body will return to dust and my eternal soul will go home to God and those things don't matter with Him. All I'll be able to do worship and revel and sing and dance in and for His Glory and Love with absolute selfish and reckless intensity and honestly sometimes I wonder what He could possibly have left on this earth for me to do that keeps me from going now. When I think about seeing Him and touching Him and praising and dancing and celebrating with my all my Brothers and Sisters just for Him with no ties to earthly sin it just makes this earth seem so hollow and doomed and then even thinking of art doesn't excite me when I am longing to be with Him already.

But He must have something here for me to do still because I know His Love for me would bring me Home if He didn't.

So I'll put up with all this worldly garbage and keep praising and loving Him until I have fulfilled His will. I'll keeping reminding myself I am here on His time and not mine, that'll help me stay balanced and keep things in perspective.

A Collage of A Few New Things

I have been listening a lot more rap lately. I like Kid Cudi waaay more than I ever thought I would have. I also got that LMFAO cd and I really LOVE it. They are foul mouthed, nonsensical and naughty but thats whats so good about them. :)

I am really loving my Business writing class, I love it SO much than I thought I would have. I am discovering that I enjoy writing, I wish I had noticed this sooner, but oh well. As they say 20/20. I will need to work on proof reading if I ever write a book though. I really want to write a student friendly Art History book one day. I like art history so I get the books but sometimes even I have to reread a paragraph or two because the structure of all sentences is just terrible. They make it too complex for the the students- most of which don't care about the class and just have to fulfill a credit- so they struggle through the class and they think they hate art because of it. So I feel that there is a calling for art history books that are more appropriate and relatable for students. Honestly I think I could even write one in a way that got them excited about art. I really hope that I always discuss, write, blog or present art in a way that makes people excited about it and appreciate all the complex imagery and thought at the heart of each piece. I want them to understand at least, if not feel, the same admiration and love that I do every time I consider a different piece.

(ireallyfeellikei'vefoundmyplaceanditfeelssogoodtobethere):D

I love to talking to Rock n' Roll about class and working the museum and my hopes for my new plans. She's wonderfully supportive- encouraging without being unrealistic. She always either gives me the perfect advice or just the right thing to say. Sometimes I feel bad for just gushing to her all of my daily activities, thoughts, worries and such because I know that she can't really do anything or that the distance keeps her from physically sharing in these aspects of my life- but honestly I just need her to know. It's selfish and I hope that I don't make her miss being here even more by being so excited about things... or make her worry when I am fighting with my parents or struggling in Italian (thatisNOTgoingwellbtw).

She was here briefly about two weeks ago, when she's here everything is mostly right again and its nearly like she never left. I love when I get these surprise visits. This last time I got to talk to her about God and how we both worry about the salvation of some of our most precious. She's convinced me that I need to seek fellowship again. I still talk to God about everything and read the Bible (sometimes...) but I miss the gathering of a group of God praising people who's only desire is to sing, learn and gape in awe as the awesome power of my Lord over takes them. I need that fire again. It's been too long that I've been away from it and I know that I lack the ability to grow as a Christian on my own. I've been praying to God for a lead on where to go and though my first impression of the Highlands was in the negative I have been hearing God call me to go there and give them a chance.

And when you hear God of course you should listen.

I'm going to a service there tomorrow and I hope I like it, I know that as long as I get to sing and raise my arms it'll be a good service though, but deep down I hope its the kind of place where I can fall to my knees and cry out my devotion and mourn in agony over my sin without feeling like no one gets it afterwards. I want to be surrounded by people who aren't afraid to reach out to God and let Him touch them like He touches me.

So yeah I'll let you know how that goes. I used to embarrass mom when I felt the Lord lift my hands... I should've never stopped going to the Mosaic.

I am looking forward also to starting to work on the Audubon next with this woman named Scott. Also Andrew comes back and I'll get started on the Silk Road Trade information so we start sketching the displays and setup for the kids activities, omg it's gonna be much fun! Oh, it's for the museum's birthday btw- hmmm I should ask how old the museum is, I feel like I should know.

Anyway this is gonna be a busy week, and it's only the second week of school! Geeezzzz, but I love what I'm doing. I am afraid of tackling too much, so I'm adding things to the to do list slowly but as long as I wake up with a fevered enthusiasm in my heart for starting each day with my newly realized ambitions instead of dread then I'll know I'm still doing good.

:)

...

Some things never change.

That is all.

beginnings and endings.. but beginnings!

Hello Blog. Sorry it has been a while but a lot has happened to keep me busy and the good news is that time away means I have a lot to type about.

I am moved. All I have to do is turn in my key to the old place with Super Nova today and then I'm done with it. I have mixed feelings.

On the one hand i kinda love my new room. It's HUGE and the walk-in closet is perfectly large enough for me to set up that isle and start painting again. Hanging all my pictures is making me really miss it even if i'm no good- I mean it's a great hobby! However I am gonna miss my friends a lot. I feel like not living together will mean I'll see way less of her and other people from that circle. And I like Picasso and her boyfriend, they are nice though it was awkward at first since our mutual contact Camble was still working in her home town. However the three of us managed to find some common ground by a mutual love of Nick Frost and absurd nonsensical british comedy. Plus we can always discuss art, she's really good I guess she has to be to study painting though.

But still, I am nervous about having my dearest friends mesh with these people. I am scared that they might want to stay separate but I don't think I want that. But who knows it may be for the best and in the end my heart is big enough for everyone and my dearest ones will always be my dearest ones.

Change just makes me anxious, I'll feel better when I feel like this is home.

I guess I am also worried about Super Nova. I know I shouldn't be, she's a grown woman perfectly capable of taking care of herself. She is so strong and determined and I admire her resilience (or perhaps stubbornness) against any hardship it's one of my most favorite things about her. But still, I feel protective of her. I know she loves people and hates to let them down. She will do all that she can to help someone and I have seen her put people before her that didn't deserve her compassion or love before. I hate it when people take advantage of that kind of love and then they let her down and it really hurts her. I really think that people letting her down- failing to deliver on their promises to her or failing to just be there for her account is what really hurts her the most. And I know it's silly to think i need to be there to stop it from happening to her, but i can't not feel like I should be.

In reality tho, I know I need her so much more than she needs me. I take advantage, or at least for granted, her friendship all the time. I need to tell her and Rock'n Roll like everything. And by "like everything" I really mean everything, and in such an honest way that I thought I could only have with my God.

ok maybe not that dramatic, but you get it. Somethings i don't even have to say what's on mind they just know without asking.

Anyway I am rambling, my point is that I guess the major change really isn't the new place or even the new major. It's like the three of us are actually separate, like separate for realz. I know its just physically, I know that forever and ever our hearts will always be connected but it's still something I have been dreading. I really hope I made the most of the time we were all together and that I won't look back one day and think I missed something.

However, I am not so much sad or depressed about it. i might still be nurturing a small mourning period for the past, but now I suddenly am able to be excited about the future even if it might take me (physically) away from my most loved ones.

I know that there is a beautiful future still ahead of me and that of course (and DUH!) I'll have to share that with them. I mean just because they can't physically share with me whats happening to them or participate in whatever endeavors i partake in doesn't mean i will not demand full disclosure on all accounts.

Plus if i'm gonna be road-trippin' over seas for the good of the Art World then surely I'll get to take a bestie or two or four :)

And i want them to have their own happy lives with happy families, I know they both want that. I don't think i do (we'll see though...) and in order for them to have that then they'll have to do what they gotta do to make happen on their own but (again DUH!) not without my love.

And they will. They are both so strong, stronger than anyone I can think of. I wish had their strength- again I feel like the needy one because all I can suddenly think of is just how much I rely on them for support.

I'm like a leach or something sucking them dry. Hopefully not really though but it seems that way to me at least.

So i guess i know that i will always have them and no matter what. i do still get these panicky feelings of dread about it, but i am ok. And they are ok, and again i see that there is a lot of this life left to live (as long as God has a purpose for me here) and that they will continue to be a part of it. i just have to focus on that and remember that i am finally studying what i want, I am finally headed down a path where I truly feel like i belong, not just belong but can contribute. i understand art, that may not be like a surgeon who can pick apart a body and heal it, but it's still something and i want to help it grow and develop as much as i can.

And I know that they are happy for me.

That is enough

Oh Brother... where 'art thou?

Sometimes I miss having a brother

Sometimes I miss him so much that it hurts in a deep penetrating heavy way

and I can barely breathe.

I don't know what to do

I hurt when he's here and I hurt whens he's gone.

And I just realized that I lied to myself again.

I pretty much miss him every day.

I want him back, I still cry to myself when I think of what we don't have anymore

it's gone now.

Mom says

Sharon

You can't give up him He doesn't mean it He's just like your dad he's stubborn and just... says things We don't give up on family blah blah blah more excuses

I am tired of giving him excuses and I am tired of hearing about how much it hurts you both.

I KNOW

I HURT AS MUCH OR MORE

DON'T PLAY THE VICTUM WITH ME

YOU DON'T DESERVE THE RIGHT TO COMPLAIN TO ME ABOUT IT

get over yourselves

maybe if you two worked out your issues maybe got together made a plan and then approached him he wouldn't be able to over power with his indifference

in the end it doesn't matter what they do

or don't do

i still miss my brother

Drop This World

I really dislike my family situation- I've been here one short afternoon and already I am tired and exhausted by them all three of them.

(and mom was the next four days off -joy)

they really have no idea how draining they are.

I got back from packing my life up and away at Auburn, I love that place and I hate leaving my other family behind. When I go back I'll just have to move again though and it's like my family is broken there too now.

so dramatic, I know it's not a true comparison at all, but thats how i feel. It will never be the same and really hasn't been at all like it was for a long time now, but you gotta move on there will be more one day it's the waiting that sucks...

no it's the waiting HERE that sucks

I wish I could rap

I love the rhythm and the rhyme I love the dirtiness in their voice and their anger too. I like to bob my head like I'm hott stuff and mouth as fast as I can the words (icanhardlykeepup)I love that they are mad enough and able to hate enough to say the words that I can barely think to myself. It's like they let it out for me. I really don't care if people hear me blast it with my windows down, I think I like that the best- go ahead and judge me call me a poser a white fake girl I paid for these words and I can listen if I want and I like it no I really love it. Don't tell me I don't get it cause I do maybe just a little different than you.

If I could I think I would rap or at least write songs. I think I am just angry though.

Rebirth

i just threw away YEARS of clutter from graphic design.

it was not painful in the least.

i was not a bit sorry.

i feel so light right now :)

getting rid of all that mess, looking in the dumpster and seeing all of my effort pilled high in that filth, yes maybe a part of me wanted to feel like those years were a waste of my time money and hard work, but really it wasn't.

I met great wonderful people, i took so many fun classes and i learned about criticizing and judging and proper dialogue

if nothing else i developed my art eye and my vocabulary and discovered that my passion for art comes not so much from creating it but from being immersed in it.

i love museums

i love beauty and grand, magnificent things

i love thought and process and method

yes its fun to explore creation on my own time, but i am no artist.

i tried but i am an admirer an authority

a protector a guardian

i want to converse and write and judge and display and document art artists and great moments in art.

i am a keeper of the arts

pursuing graphic design was wrong, but it was not a mistake.

it forced me to grow and discover that even if there is little money in it,

the world of fine art is where i belong not in advertising not in computer land

*aka the Land of A Thousand Clicks*

i will always have a passion for dabbling in and making my own work, but i realize now i never love my own creations as much as i love the masterpieces and discoveries of old and modern art.

(i love giving art to people, it makes them happy)

there is purpose and a reason for every approach and opinion i can not wait to debate them all

i can not wait to start my new life, there maybe things coming in my future, changes that i am not so super excited about...

but this, this good

this is beyond good and i can barley hang on until this summer is over and i can submerge myself in the world of art and art history and wash myself clean of graphic design completely.

its like leaving behind my old skin.

my time fighting for my new self in the cocoon is over and i want to test these new wings

:)

the shed

He just snorted something outside. He told me he was going to the shed to look for something.

Whatever I know better. I said next time just don't tell me.

I didn't want you to ask what I was doing.

I know what your doing and I don't ask.

Oh, thanks man.

whatever.

He came back in snorting and wiping his nose, he's sick and throwing up so he can't leave the house but he STILL has to get his high.

and the worst part is i can't tell anyone who can help him because they don't want to believe me.

They can't deal with whats right in front of them but oh but they can certainty deal with me.

I am insecure.

Because of this I sometimes feel that people have more fun without me and so they leave me out on purpose.

this is not true, I am just needy an so insecure that I need constant reassurance from those around me that they aren't going anywhere.. I get it from my mom I just know it and I hate feeling that way.

Right now I am lonely and sad that I am here instead of where I want to be, so it is worse now than it has been in a long time. I am strong and my friends do care and I will over come this.

I hate having these thoughts they are lies and I have to keep telling myself that.

Pony Boy

I feel like I started this blog during a huge change in my life and so far it has resulted in some posts that have have pretty much been downers and that can't be too much fun to read.

Sorry. Happy times will come later, but I am slow to get things out and I feel like there will be a few more cleansing posts before I am done. I am afraid to face myself. It is so much easier and more flattering to help others, but it is a bit hypocritical to give advice when you can not face your own flaws.

I have been having some dark thoughts but that is to be expected since part of what I need to do to get healthy is to confront the negative thoughts that I have tried and failed to ignore for so long. For whatever reason, I truly believe lies of my own making about myself and I need to stop. I need to face it and control it because ignoring it and dealing with it alone has not worked- it manifested itself anyway, by means of ridiculous amounts of obsessive compulsive exercise. I now know that I was not in control and I am just glad that I saw a doctor before things got really serious.

But heres my point, I really think that I started breaking down last year and that it was managed aright enough until all the stress that had building in my family and then in school finally got to me. I do not mean to deny that I have a problem all along, I know I did, I just think that I was able to hide it from others and even myself well enough for so long that it did not really physically hurt me until last year. I had a steady weight for a few years and only started running more than an hour at a time recently. Now that it is back down to an hour tops I actually do feel better and I focus on that to help me see that there is truth to what I am hearing- too much exercise is BAD. And I would never advise someone else to do that much so why should I demand it of myself?

No, it was last year that it started to get out of hand and I am sure that a lot of it has to do with my brother. We'll call him Pony Pony. It's ok if you don't get why. It means something to me and I think at one time it meant something to him too.

Pony Boy has had a very estranged relationship with my parents for years, with mom almost as far back as I can remember. He could always manipulate and bully her into doing what he wanted. Now it's completely pathetic and heart wrenching to watch how he talks to her and shoves her away. He can hurts my mom and dad, he has hurt them both so much with his indifference. All they ever did was love him. He bosses them around and demands money gas food freedom and they give it all to him despite how hateful and ungrateful he is. He even steals from them.

I am not the perfect child. I know that I am ungrateful to them often enough and that I am starting to reject a lot of their advances of concern and affection and control (that word again) over me. But I have NEVER sworn at my parents or shoved them back.

(If he ever hits my mother I WILL call the police and I'll set up the restraining order myself.)

I positive now that he is on crack. I can just tell. He has done pot for years and had tried other hard core drugs before, but we were still friends then and we were so close. And I was so afraid of losing him like they lost him that I could over look it. Then I suspected that he was doing worse drugs, that he too had a problem. I betrayed his trust to the parents, and things have not been the same since. He is not my brother anymore. He is druggie, a liar, a thief, a bum and only the second person that has made me so mad I did swear back at him and sadly that is the last time I can remember seeing for a second my brother in his eyes.

I don't use curse words, they mean something to me and when I do use them it is because the person deserves them. They are powerful I do not care how desensitized the rest of the world becomes to them from over use I do not think their power is lost when someone uses them. There is a difference between using words and saying words and when I used the words FUCKING DUMBASS BASTARD to address my brother well for just a moment and for the first time in that Hazel Green trip he did look me in the eye and I did see my brother surface from the druggie haze he induced on himself- I saw Pony Boy.

I have not seen him since. That was almost five months ago.

Now that I am here for the summer (I dearly hope not) we just kinda live around each other, he talk but ever since I betrayed him to our parents there is no friendship no closeness. But that is because I really believe he is not there anymore. He might come back one day and I so desperately hope that he does butIamsoscaredthathewillnot-soscaredthatIamafraidtotypeitoutandIdonotwanttodewellonitso

moving on now

I am ready to leave. It is hard to be here. I see the doctor again to today and I was a bit excited about it because I was thinking that it might be a good visit and that I could negotiate a trip to Auburn. But the scale this morning said I had lost a pound geez I hope that their scale says otherwise.

pondering 1

Sometimes I think I see colors that other people don't. I just always get so taken aback by the vibrancy in the world around me and I wonder if others even really see what I am looking at. I was just thinking about this and did not want to forget, I might explore the topic later.

Also it is so very boring here. I am ready to go home. :/

(but maybe really not)

I mean if nothing else I need to be less selfish and just enjoy the time with my parents they can just be difficult to deal with when it is just me.

I miss my brother, but he is never here.

(actually I sometimes think my brother is gone and that I will never see him again... I could use my brother right now)

pot belly

176

that is the number that i saw on the scale. that was the catalyst for the change. when i saw that i knew it was wrong and that i needed to do something about it.

but it was not the reason.

everyone thinks its the number on the scale that matters so much to me

but it isnt.

it is a number and i am not a number. so it doesnt matter.

not one little bit.

i care about this stomach, i had this gross protruding stomach that was so out of place and from the rest of me.

i hated it. i had slimmer arms and legs, no boobs no butt. it did not match.

other girls had flat stomachs but had weight in their boobs and butts

why couldnt i carry my weight like them? in perky breasts or junk in the trunk?

my body stored it one place. the center of gravity. right out in front and center for the world to see.

i can remember standing in the shower looking down and just barely being able to make out the tips of my toes with out having to lean over. i could grab handfuls of fat and flesh and twist it around like play dough.

it so was gross. it disgusted me so much.

and the strange thing is that i never thought of it as being a part of me. it wasnt a part of me.

the fat, the stomach, was alien— the fat was like an invader that i just wanted to go away.

i never took the credit for it.

i ate irresponsibly and i knew it. i was out of shape and i knew it.

i couldnt run back in PE and i did band because i loved it but also to get out of the embarrassment of going to PE.

i hated changing in front of those girls.

176

that number that protruding bloated round stomach.

i had to get rid of it.

i started with sit ups. i did sit ups for weeks. and i did see a change.

i liked it but it wasnt enough i needed to start something else.

i discovered running. i found out i loved running not just because i saw my shape change but because i loved the feeling. the first time i ran a mile without stopping i felt such a victory such a triumph over the limits of this body like i could move mountains. i might as well have just finished a marathon i was so proud.

now that i can run for more than an hour at a time that seems silly, but it was my first win for myself.

and on top of that i could watch that stomach leave. and i liked it.

it was disappearing being burned away by the miles and the careful meal planning.

but i thought it might come back.

no i am still so scared that it will come back. like if if i let up or give in once it will be back in the morning when i wake up.

thats irrational and i know it.

it takes 3,500 extra calories to gain one pound of fat. i know the facts.

i just can't apply them to myself because this unattainable goal is all i see and focus on even now that i am getting help.

and i still don't want the help

i want to control this i want to fix it and i dont want to admit that i lost control of it.

but when the doctor told me that i was broken, that i had hurt my pituitary and thyroid glands i knew i was not really in control anyway.

the fear is. it still is.

i have to stop i have to let my body heal because i did hurt it but i am so scared still and it is so selfish and stupid to be this obsessed with this fixation on the "perfect" body.

and i can preach all damn day about how beautiful others are and i am not lying about it.

i really can see the beauty in others and how the diversity in people is just a gift and something to be celebrated.

i just am so blind when i look at myself and i guess that is another kind of sickness

and yes i do try to hide it.

when people did not believe me when i told them i thought i hated how i looked i just kept it to myself i did not want them to think i needed the attention or that i was crazy.

but i must be crazy. if no one else sees anything wrong with me and yet i can find so much wrong and so little right with me then i must be sick in the head.

i want so badly to make others see their beauty and preciousness but maybe that is because i really can not perceive it in myself.

that is a problem

i am thinking about letting my doctor set me up with a psychiatrist

it is hard to say i really need one since i thought i was handling these thoughts on my own for so long but having them is wrong and even now with evidence from the lab that i am too skinny i can not stop these thoughts..

i am hurting myself.

i am doing it through exercise i am abusing a perfectly fine body with what should be a healthy habit.

my drug is not alcohol pot or cocaine

my self abuse is not cutting or purging or suicide attempts

i am just trying to run myself away

yes that is what it is.

it is easier to run away into nothing

to run until everything i see as a fault disappears and then there nothing left to judge.

i heard once that obese people find shelter within their layers of fat

i do not relate to that

i do feel safe or protected by fat

i felt cut off i felt like i stuck out and i felt like it was an outside substance that i had to get rid of.

and i did

but it is not healthy

i have to convince myself that it is not healthy for me to be this small because my body does not properly metabolize at this weight.

i will get through this

i have to relax and just let myself heal even if i feel the urge

i have to distract myself because i always feel the panic to run.

I suppose I should finally post on this new blog... I really hope I stick with it even though I really don't know what it will be about yet. Prepare yourself tho, it will be abundant in typos.

I actually I have a topic, I have been pondering something for awhile and this seems as good a place as any to put it and examine it outside of myself. (I think things look different when they are written/typed)

Its the word "LOVE" and how much i have grown to hate it.

Shocking no? Let me explain.

We as a society constantly kill words with overuse abuse. And love is one of them. Affection for and attachment to an object should not be traits that can be ascribed to an object with the same word to describe how i will about my family, besties and God. I really bothers me how associating this feeling with the lesser liking of something else really belittles how I feel. I think we new a new word for this emotion, the French and Spanish have many different words to describe feelings of love so why don't we? I feel like i literally can not tell someone how much they mean to me sometimes because we misuse or fail to fully develop our vocabulary. If sitting through those Graphic classes taught me one it taught me the importance of words, it hit me that they can be so powerful visually and when carefully placed, kerned, type-chosen and refined you do not need a pretty picture to give it meaning or content. Words can shock and offend and hurt no matter what they tell you.

But words should be able to heal, comfort, uplift and celebrate! I just, I just feel like sometimes I cannot make someone believe with the words I know how truly and deeply I "love" them and I know it's because I, yes even I, overuse this word all the time.

I say I love this shirt, this food, this show, this actor! I don't really love this actor I've never met them! NO! i love my group, my little wolfpack of friends and my family and even then there is difference in the emotion. It is not less mind you, just different. i can't explain it, words won't let me, i need to start inventing words or maybe just read the dictionary so one day maybe they won't blow me off when i try to celebrate with them and comfort them and convince them that i reallyreallyreallyreally do " " them in the most fierce passionate and beautiful way.

I get so tired of feeling like my words are useless and underscore my meaning.

Anyway thats just a thought that has been nagging me for a while. Funny really that I can be bothered with concentrating on ideas like this with all that has been happening lately in my life— maybe its my minds way of distracting myself from the real problems...

I don't think I am ready to let those out yet but maybe later I will.

I still have no idea what this will be about so we'll see.