pitter-patter

ummmm... the rain

It is the sound of cleaning- like the process of removing the old

it's like renewal and music

tentative

Ok

so I can count on you for

one thing

and that seems to be music.

it's so little but it makes me so

happy

that we can still be

WE

because of the music

I dare to hold on to you

Good Glory

I still don't what to think or how to respond when people make comments about my body. Sometimes it's positive, and that's nice I like that they say that even though I often struggle to believe it myself. Sometimes I try really hard to make mental notes of good things people say, and remember who says those things so I can channel that so I can battle this idea of some unattainable ideal manufactured by exposure to over-photoshopped sexualized media. I know they are not real and I know that women- that people- are meant to come in all different shapes and sizes and that what's healthy for one person may not be healthy for another. I KNOW THAT.

It's just hard to un-see what you've been watching your whole life so you can start to see what you've missed. What's REAL

Sometimes people say not positive things. They're not trying to be mean, not intentionally but they'll say things like

OMG Sharon you're so skinny

You got tiny-er

you weigh like 90 pounds (123 and gaining thanks)

you're like a stick

You have like no fat I'm so jealous

what do you do? I need to lose some weight (that's my favorite right there)

blah blah blah... etc

I never know how to respond, what the heck am I supposed to say? Do they think I'll just gain like 5lbs right before their eyes or something? Maybe I'm still missing something, last I checked, when I was calm and being REAL in that mind set, I thought I liked the way I looked.

BTW the REAL mindset I keep talking about goes like this:

I close my eyes and I pray to God. I tell Him that I am sooo thankful for this functioning body He gave me to do His work and biding. I ask Him to bless it and to guide me on how to take care of it so I can keep doing His Will with while it's in my care. Then I ask that He help to SEE how wonderful this body is just the way He made it and that it doesn't need any improvements so long as I am taking care of it like He wants me too. Then I open my eyes and I can see it just the way He made it and I feel like it's beautiful. I believe it

But it fades as the day goes on, that feeling doesn't ever stay and I have to remind myself. Loving this body is still new I suppose.

And hearing those things makes me anxious. It's makes those feelings of being disconnected from my body emerge again. It's hard to describe it but if you've felt it then you know exactly what I'm talking about. It feels like it's not mine, like I used to when I was chunkier. I don't think thats how I felt last year when I was stressed out with graphic design, running was just something I could do. I could focus on it and channel it.

But now that I feel like I can't know how my body responds to things and hearing people say those things and then being told by the parents that I don't look like I've gained any weight and the fear of them not letting me go back to school in the Spring if I don't weigh some stupid number by Christmas it just makes this body feel like it's not mine anymore I mean everyone else seems to know more about it than I do.

(Don't worry though, I'm doing fine I'm not running like I was, I'm not stressed about school-well Italian is tough but thats a whole other story- and like I said when I focus on the REAL mindset I like what I see. And I see the changes even if they don't.)

I just don't want to feel like a stranger in this body like I used too, that had gone away but I have started to feel like that again here and there ever since this all started and I don't want that.

This is my body, actually its God's body. That's right its God's earthly vessel for my soul until it's time for Him to take me home. What I need to focus on is how He made me and how I look just the way He wanted me too. I need to think in terms of taking care of His body and keeping it able and strong so I can do His work while I'm here. I have to practice I guess, like practice keeping that REAL mindset all the time. Then I won't take what people say- good or bad- to heart. It won't matter because in the end this body will return to dust and my eternal soul will go home to God and those things don't matter with Him. All I'll be able to do worship and revel and sing and dance in and for His Glory and Love with absolute selfish and reckless intensity and honestly sometimes I wonder what He could possibly have left on this earth for me to do that keeps me from going now. When I think about seeing Him and touching Him and praising and dancing and celebrating with my all my Brothers and Sisters just for Him with no ties to earthly sin it just makes this earth seem so hollow and doomed and then even thinking of art doesn't excite me when I am longing to be with Him already.

But He must have something here for me to do still because I know His Love for me would bring me Home if He didn't.

So I'll put up with all this worldly garbage and keep praising and loving Him until I have fulfilled His will. I'll keeping reminding myself I am here on His time and not mine, that'll help me stay balanced and keep things in perspective.