I am moved. All I have to do is turn in my key to the old place with Super Nova today and then I'm done with it. I have mixed feelings.
On the one hand i kinda love my new room. It's HUGE and the walk-in closet is perfectly large enough for me to set up that isle and start painting again. Hanging all my pictures is making me really miss it even if i'm no good- I mean it's a great hobby! However I am gonna miss my friends a lot. I feel like not living together will mean I'll see way less of her and other people from that circle. And I like Picasso and her boyfriend, they are nice though it was awkward at first since our mutual contact Camble was still working in her home town. However the three of us managed to find some common ground by a mutual love of Nick Frost and absurd nonsensical british comedy. Plus we can always discuss art, she's really good I guess she has to be to study painting though.
But still, I am nervous about having my dearest friends mesh with these people. I am scared that they might want to stay separate but I don't think I want that. But who knows it may be for the best and in the end my heart is big enough for everyone and my dearest ones will always be my dearest ones.
Change just makes me anxious, I'll feel better when I feel like this is home.
I guess I am also worried about Super Nova. I know I shouldn't be, she's a grown woman perfectly capable of taking care of herself. She is so strong and determined and I admire her resilience (or perhaps stubbornness) against any hardship it's one of my most favorite things about her. But still, I feel protective of her. I know she loves people and hates to let them down. She will do all that she can to help someone and I have seen her put people before her that didn't deserve her compassion or love before. I hate it when people take advantage of that kind of love and then they let her down and it really hurts her. I really think that people letting her down- failing to deliver on their promises to her or failing to just be there for her account is what really hurts her the most. And I know it's silly to think i need to be there to stop it from happening to her, but i can't not feel like I should be.
In reality tho, I know I need her so much more than she needs me. I take advantage, or at least for granted, her friendship all the time. I need to tell her and Rock'n Roll like everything. And by "like everything" I really mean everything, and in such an honest way that I thought I could only have with my God.
ok maybe not that dramatic, but you get it. Somethings i don't even have to say what's on mind they just know without asking.
Anyway I am rambling, my point is that I guess the major change really isn't the new place or even the new major. It's like the three of us are actually separate, like separate for realz. I know its just physically, I know that forever and ever our hearts will always be connected but it's still something I have been dreading. I really hope I made the most of the time we were all together and that I won't look back one day and think I missed something.
However, I am not so much sad or depressed about it. i might still be nurturing a small mourning period for the past, but now I suddenly am able to be excited about the future even if it might take me (physically) away from my most loved ones.
I know that there is a beautiful future still ahead of me and that of course (and DUH!) I'll have to share that with them. I mean just because they can't physically share with me whats happening to them or participate in whatever endeavors i partake in doesn't mean i will not demand full disclosure on all accounts.
Plus if i'm gonna be road-trippin' over seas for the good of the Art World then surely I'll get to take a bestie or two or four :)
And i want them to have their own happy lives with happy families, I know they both want that. I don't think i do (we'll see though...) and in order for them to have that then they'll have to do what they gotta do to make happen on their own but (again DUH!) not without my love.
And they will. They are both so strong, stronger than anyone I can think of. I wish had their strength- again I feel like the needy one because all I can suddenly think of is just how much I rely on them for support.
I'm like a leach or something sucking them dry. Hopefully not really though but it seems that way to me at least.
So i guess i know that i will always have them and no matter what. i do still get these panicky feelings of dread about it, but i am ok. And they are ok, and again i see that there is a lot of this life left to live (as long as God has a purpose for me here) and that they will continue to be a part of it. i just have to focus on that and remember that i am finally studying what i want, I am finally headed down a path where I truly feel like i belong, not just belong but can contribute. i understand art, that may not be like a surgeon who can pick apart a body and heal it, but it's still something and i want to help it grow and develop as much as i can.
And I know that they are happy for me.
That is enough
