Rebirth

i just threw away YEARS of clutter from graphic design.

it was not painful in the least.

i was not a bit sorry.

i feel so light right now :)

getting rid of all that mess, looking in the dumpster and seeing all of my effort pilled high in that filth, yes maybe a part of me wanted to feel like those years were a waste of my time money and hard work, but really it wasn't.

I met great wonderful people, i took so many fun classes and i learned about criticizing and judging and proper dialogue

if nothing else i developed my art eye and my vocabulary and discovered that my passion for art comes not so much from creating it but from being immersed in it.

i love museums

i love beauty and grand, magnificent things

i love thought and process and method

yes its fun to explore creation on my own time, but i am no artist.

i tried but i am an admirer an authority

a protector a guardian

i want to converse and write and judge and display and document art artists and great moments in art.

i am a keeper of the arts

pursuing graphic design was wrong, but it was not a mistake.

it forced me to grow and discover that even if there is little money in it,

the world of fine art is where i belong not in advertising not in computer land

*aka the Land of A Thousand Clicks*

i will always have a passion for dabbling in and making my own work, but i realize now i never love my own creations as much as i love the masterpieces and discoveries of old and modern art.

(i love giving art to people, it makes them happy)

there is purpose and a reason for every approach and opinion i can not wait to debate them all

i can not wait to start my new life, there maybe things coming in my future, changes that i am not so super excited about...

but this, this good

this is beyond good and i can barley hang on until this summer is over and i can submerge myself in the world of art and art history and wash myself clean of graphic design completely.

its like leaving behind my old skin.

my time fighting for my new self in the cocoon is over and i want to test these new wings

:)

the shed

He just snorted something outside. He told me he was going to the shed to look for something.

Whatever I know better. I said next time just don't tell me.

I didn't want you to ask what I was doing.

I know what your doing and I don't ask.

Oh, thanks man.

whatever.

He came back in snorting and wiping his nose, he's sick and throwing up so he can't leave the house but he STILL has to get his high.

and the worst part is i can't tell anyone who can help him because they don't want to believe me.

They can't deal with whats right in front of them but oh but they can certainty deal with me.

I am insecure.

Because of this I sometimes feel that people have more fun without me and so they leave me out on purpose.

this is not true, I am just needy an so insecure that I need constant reassurance from those around me that they aren't going anywhere.. I get it from my mom I just know it and I hate feeling that way.

Right now I am lonely and sad that I am here instead of where I want to be, so it is worse now than it has been in a long time. I am strong and my friends do care and I will over come this.

I hate having these thoughts they are lies and I have to keep telling myself that.