insecurity

why keep it a secret?


I must be pretty stupid.

The River Gallery wants my application so I sent it. I hope they like what they see, but honestly I hope have other options in a few months.

finally, i hear YOU

I get to type a lot now.

A lot of my school work is centered on responding to questions about the documentaries we've watch on Blackboard or essays for article readings or memos and research for business writing. The more I type the more i respond and the more I read and then react to my classmates the more I am convinced everyday that this is right.

Sometimes yes I do doubt. My mom and my dad and even my dear Pop question my career choice. They think there is no future in this.

I disagree, I know it feels right, I know I was lead to this decision by my God, I know that I did the right thing.

I wish they would not make me question myself, or rather what I feel the Lord has given me.

I don't like that they make doubt Him, and that I sometimes have to pray and ask again "Was this right?" But every time there is doubt, questions or even a barrier, He proves again that there a a plan for me that He conceived. When I pray for guidance I am rewarded with peace and patience. I know I do not have to know the answer now, I am here on His time and He will reveal to me the specifics eventually. Right now the weight of His assurance is all I need.

It's like,... to validate my choice, every time I look for opportunities to pursue a career or grad school I find it. I find intern ships, paid ones that cover travel, I find new museums that are hiring, I find many colleges with financial aid and all I have to do is take the GRE and do the best I possibly can or jut apply and hoe a museum makes me their slave.

And I will, I amso scared of it so scared, but I can do it.

But, even if my best is not enough there are institutes I can fall back on where I can be employed and then just work my up through the ranks.

I have passion, and that WILL count for something. This is right, not easy, but right and I do not need them to make me feel like it was wrong when I need their support.

They are disappointed, I mean saying, "my daughter is a graphic designer" really is much more impressive than saying "My daughter is an Art Historian" I get it.

I also get that they are worried, their concerns are valid I understand for myself that finding work could be hard and that grad school will be on me and that paying off those loans will be on me. I get it, but I do not get why they think it is productive to patronize me over and over again with the problem and predicting nothing but the worst of situations without considering the possibility of God in this equation. I am finally following His plan for my life and sure I do not know for certain where this may lead me but I am so confident that He is guiding me there now that I am listening.

Good Lord, God, my Father in Heaven I am listening

EGAR

i never get mad.


why do i never get mad?...  i get hurt though, i just let it go though, .......cause..... whatever

the bookstore is getting ridiculous.  I like working there I really do, but I am being unfairly singled out.  It's not just me other coworkers notice that I get in trouble for crap that other people never get lectured about.  Now I don't have a job for the summer—however I am "more than welcome to comeback in the Fall" what does that mean?  What kind of BS is that?  And why tell me on the last Friday of class two whole weeks after I turned in my Summer availability? I didn't freaking look for a job obviously because I thought I would have a job and now I am trying to scramble for a seasonal position somewhere so I can afford to stay here... otherwise I can't.

Maybe this could be an opportunity.  I turned in an application to the Jan Dempsey Rec Center here and it's a lot closer to something I think I would want to do after I graduate.  I'll be responsible for organizing and assisting with the art gallery, folk art events, locale bands, city festivals, and even the theatre.  Maybe if I like it I'll just work there full-time.  They just have to hire me and I really hope they do.

I like the bookstore and I feel like I just started working there, but I am getting tired of feeling like the manager has it out for me and I don't know why.  She definitely has her favorites and I am not one of them.

Oh well when one door closes...

and speaking of closing doors