Cinderella Man

I didn't want my blog to be only about this. But it has centered around it anyway, I guess because I have the time to type out my thoughts when school is out but when school is out I am here. And of course being here means that the parents are always bringing it up. I think I look fine thanks, I love my body I really do and talked with God about this morning even, I know I messed up before.

I focused on what I thought I could control because I could not control anything else. Brandy says thats typical and she also doesn't think that I was ever anorexic I was obsessive compulsive. I fixated obsessively on running and meticulously controlling my food intake because it was they only thing I could control. She said that I try to make things "perfect" but that there really is no perfect and that channeling my desire to be perfect at something is an idea that i have to give up. We are working on that.

Leaving graphic really was the best decision I have ever made. Shannon can see the difference she just said one day that she was glad i moved in because I am so darn cheery and supportive, she confessed that last semester made her think I might super stressed and high strung but that she supposes that I just really was ill-suited for graphic design. That made happy and more positive that this was right more than ever (not that I ever doubt it I knew it was I just knew it) And of course my best friends can see the difference, and I don't mean the weight gain, I mean they see that I am happy, content, less stressed... blah blah blah etc.

Why can't they see that? I just wish mom would stop trying to convince me that I am anorexic ever time I am here.

I hate being here.

This morning randomly they started talking about "this time next year". It was because I said something about missing the Highlands as they were getting ready to go to church (back story real quick: I do not care for their church. I don't go now and I used to go to another whenever I could) and Dad responds with "well this time next year you'll have to get over it and start going with it us cause you won't be in Auburn anymore."

*bang

Wow it really stung. Not that I am leaving Auburn so much, but that I really might might be stuck here after I graduate. I mean I know that there will be a transition period but I really don't know how long that time will be. I might just die if its longer than a few months.

We started arguing. I told them that when I try to talk about grad school or internships or a job somewhere they get all defensive, shut down and all I get is blank stares- they just think that its not realistic but I really don't know why.

Dad and mom said that those options don't pay enough for me to live on, to pay rent and utilities and like always I know that. My part-time won't pay rent and most internships don't even pay at all and the ones that do really aren't enough either. I know that, I try to talk to them about it but they are deaf to me.

If they would listen to me I would tell them that I know it will be hard being on my own and that I will need a second job, maybe a third.

But they want me to just come back and get a job here. I've been gone for five years now and they think this is no big deal. They don't see that leaving Auburn will hurt. I mean I want to leave duh I don't want my life to be there either, but I have to a plan to keep from being stuck here with them.

And why do they fight me on this, don't they want me to leave? Don't they want better for me for me? For me to finally have my own life? And I can't understand why they don't see that they'll be better off once they're not supporting me?

I told them that I don't want their help anymore, I am not asking for it after I graduate, I want to be independent from them.

Mom said thats not realistic and that they want to help.

But that is a twisted and sick lie.

What they want is to keep a leash on me. They don't want me to do to them what they did to their parents and thats leave them to sit and wait for death in their empty house without anyone. Well sorry retirement should be fun. Why don't you stop trying to buy my imprisonment and start saving your money for all these fantastic road trips and vacations you're always talking about going on. I didn't ask for your help and you shouldn't expect me to spend my life taking care of you foregoing what I want.

slim chance

Sometimes I see this girl on campus. But no one else sees her.

She avoids looking at people, her head is always down and she stares at the ground.

She clutches her books close to her and tries to take up as little space as possible and move through the crowds of people as fast as her legs will carry her.

And no one sees her.

I notice her though. I think its because she does not want to be noticed no one else even looks over at her, she is invisible to all of them but to me ... I don't know I feel like I can sense her some how

No matter where I am or what I am doing I almost immediately see her

across the room at the end of the hall leaving the bathroom sitting in the library walking past the transit reading a book

why does this matter why do I see her and have such a surge of emotion ripe through me every time I see her

it's because I know what she sees when she looks at herself

And I want to tell her its not true and all the cliche crap that goes with statements like that that she's probably heard before.

I want to tell her that she's loved and beautiful and that she's hurting herself and that theres no need to be invisible anymore and to stop fighting with her thoughts and her body...

because she will lose.

it is none of my business. I can't just walk up to her while she is staring at herself in the bathroom mirror (putting her brittle hair in a ponytail to hide the areas where you can see her scalp) and tell her that I deal with it too. That I know it too this feeling of being so detached from your body like someone put you in the wrong one. I want to talk to her about it so she'll know at least that I care that I am concerned. That I don't want her to fade away into

nothing

Sometimes I randomly think about her and I wonder about her family and her friends.

I wonder what she tells them how she justifies this to them. How she hides her boney hands, her thinning hair and explains away the sunken cheeks and constant fatigue.

I had a dream about her.

I don't even know her name and I had a dream about her.

I just want to tell her that

that

that I want to be her dear friend.

That I just want to take her with me to see Brandy and that we can do this together.

I want to tell her that I don't just want her to do this with me, that I, I feel like I need her to do this with me.

I tell myself that the next time I see her I am gonna introduce myself.

Next I am just walk right up to her and start talking like I normally do to new people.

I'll say something super nice about her outfit or how she does her make up as she tries to conceal her tiny frame behind books that look way to heavy for her to hold. I'll say you look familiar did we have a class together? did we go to the same high school? where are you from? I have an hour to kill lets get some coffee or tea or something

(coffee and tea will be on her safe foods lists)

she'll say sure and then I don't know it'll go on from there... maybe

but I never do. I don't even try. I know the possibility of her accepting my friendship is slim at best. but shouldn't I at least try? no matter how awkward it might be? Theres nothing wrong with just introducing myself...

next time... I really hope that I try to, I never do, but I really hope I do, my heart just aches for her so much

I don't want her to feel that way anymore.